If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]