How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Trying