Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick