how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.