I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting