Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
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I get distracted pretty eas
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.