“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
thanks auntie mary
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.