“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.