Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single