INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.