I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.