The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney