i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.