My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool