Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”