Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket