Lmfaoooooo
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
the answer was staring at me all along
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.