I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Does your wife know you’re single?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now