me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one