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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever