The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
#ParentingFacts
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Called it
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is