“Boo!” — cow with a cold
You Might Also Like
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”