dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Knock Knock
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.