“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.