Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You Might Also Like
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.