The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?