Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Still cracks me up
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time