[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
This meal prepping shit is easy
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
(Jupiter –
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead