eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
yeah no that’s fair
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.