With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails