My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
You Might Also Like
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.