People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.