Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Don’t snitch tag.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.