Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.