We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
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how to have an accident 101
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
The point of your 20s
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.