My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
You Might Also Like
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.