Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.