My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
🤣🤣🤣
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
birds and squirrels envy us
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
#merica
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…