Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.