*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Is your wife single?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.