[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
ready to be harvested
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)