Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
mood
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.