Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You Might Also Like
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain