People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*looks at you in batman voice*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.