I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.