I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
This took me a second..
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely