I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
In banana years, I am bread.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”