The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.