Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
the greatest twitter interaction
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there