My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Always
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I hate my earbuds.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin